And the woman said onto her husband, "Go and dwell in the land of Safeway and bring forth the following... flour, vanilla, cream, cranberries, broth, onions. And the husband did so, for he feared her wrath and the football game wasn't going to start for another hour.
Upon entering the land of Safeway the husband became confused and overwhelmed by the bounty of foodstuffs that lay before him. He spoke onto his wife (via cell phone), "I beseech thee, my wife, for I have no clue where to find that which you commanded me to buy." With great scorn and hell fire the wife said, "Oh for the love of God, just ask someone and stop bothering me with your stupid questions."
And because the husband does not like to ask directions, he instead looked upon the store directory and could not find those foods for which his wife had required. As the husband crumbled to the floor in frustration an angel of the Safeway said onto him, "Fear not, my child, for that which you seek is on aisle 9". And so the husband dwelled in the land of aisle 9 and became melancholy for the wife had said, "get some flour", and before him was many a flour such as organic, gluten free, rice, pastry and instant. Despair and anxiety overcame the husband for he knew that to call upon his wife may bring rage and eternal celibacy, at least for tonight. He looked around and found that he was among other such husbands who were also full of despair and melancholy. With great trepidation the husband grabbed the organic flour and prayed "Shit, I hope this is right." The husband continued forward, ever forward, neither blessing nor cursing the power (aka, wife) which compelled him towards unknown aisles. Upon entering a new aisle the husband was again filled with despair and melancholy, for as he was commanded to "pick up some broth" he found great quantities of broth labeled chicken, beef, stock, and vegetable. Again he prayed "What the hell!?" and choose the broth of the chicken. Many more times the husband was faced with choices. When he came upon the cream he found whipped, heavy whipped, and whipping cream. When he came upon vanilla he found pure, imitation and extract.
In time the husband found every foodstuff his wife had so desired. Even though there were only a few items of food that the wife needed, the husband, in fear for his soul, bought every type of those foods in hopes that what he returned to her would bring joy to his household, or at least keep him out of trouble. Upon returning to his dwelling the wife said onto her husband, "What the hell were you thinking?" The husband was again filled with sorrow for his wife no longer looked upon him with favor. And the husband said onto his wife, "Look upon me no more, or at least for the next four hours while the game is on, for I have displeased you and I shall dwell in my man cave with beer and TV remote as my only companions." And the husband did so and there was peace, at least for a while.
Amen
No comments:
Post a Comment