Day 147: A day that will live in infamy

For anyone that has mowed a lawn, you do so with the specter of evil lurking about you, ready to strike at any time.  I'm speaking, of course, of the garden gnat.  Over the years we've lived together in relative peace and harmony.  Occasionally there have been small skirmishes, the random shots to my nose and eyes.  Those were just warnings, reminding me of their presence.  A precarious peace has existed between we two adversaries.  A detente, if you will, so fragile that the slightest misstep could lead to total war.   

But this morning was different.  Today was a full scale attack.  At first I thought maybe it was in response to my "aroma" from this mornings hike that attracted them.  But quickly it escalated into an all out assault on every part of my body.  Arms, legs, hands, and face.  Surgical strikes that managed to make their way around my hat and wrap-around sunglasses, striking my eyes with deathly precision.  Like a boxer caught against the ropes, I was attacked from all angles.  Eyes, nose, ears and mouth. I couldn't protect one without sacrificing the others.  But being the true soldier I am, I stood my ground.  I pressed on with my lawnmower, hacking down the Amazon forest that sprung up in just a week.  Unrelenting as the gnats were, I continued in my quest until the last blade of grass fell.  I stammered back to my work shed, finally able to evade the airborne menace that enveloped me.

Over the years the typical response would have been sanctions, embargoes, strongly worded diplomatic declarations.  But not this time.  Retribution will be swift and deadly.  I'll go to my local hardware arsenal and acquire a lawn spray, a weapon of mass destruction, that will destroy the gnats once and for all, or until this stuff wears off.  Sure, call it genocide.  Yes, many women and children gnats will perish in the conflagration but such is collateral damage from a full scale war, where only total annihilation will be accepted.  No truce, no negotiations, no Paris peace talks.  I may take a hit in polls.  It most certainly will have an adverse impact on my re-election bid and demonstrations will surely spring up from the liberal left.  But this is a war that must be won.  A war to preserve life, liberty and the pursuit of a bug free barbeque.