Day 122: Sand in the shoes..

One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to beware of "sand in the shoes".  The point being that a few grains of sand in our shoes is nothing to get excited about.  But over time, as our shoes collect more grains of sand, what was once a mild irritant will become a major discomfort.  That could lead to literal as well as figurative injuries that may require serious changes in order to remove the discomfort

We've all heard the idiom "Don't sweat the small stuff.  And it's all small stuff."  I think that's a bit misunderstood and can potentially introduce some pitfalls in our lives.  I agree we don't need to make mountains out of mole hills and we certainly don't need to over-react to the insignificant elements of our life.  But let's not forget that it's the ongoing presence of annoying small stuff that eventually creates the big problems in our lives.  In relationships, especially in the beginning, we tend to make a lot of concessions and are willing to accept some minor discomforts all for the sake of maintaining happiness and harmony with our loved ones.  But over time those little discomforts will fester into open sores of resentment and anger if not dealt with soon.

We've all collected little annoyances over time.  We don't necessarily remember the details but we retain that feeling of being irritated and somewhat angry.  We've all had those conversations with someone where we said, "You really irritate me!"  They respond by saying, "What the hell did I do?"  And unfortunately, in most cases, you can't really describe it other than to say you just feel that way.  The lawyer in us will argue that if you can't provide evidence of me annoying you then I haven't and your feelings are unfounded.  That, my friends, is a recipe for disaster (divorce, breakup, etc).

We're always being told we need to communicate better but no one ever really says how.  It's hard because usually by the time we're really unhappy we won't know why. The trick is to have a line of communication, maybe a "safety word" that let's the other know that they're not happy.   Consider the phrase "honey, I've got sand in my shoes".  If you guys are on the same sheet of music, that should be an alarm that one of you is not happy and you're needing to vent/discuss how you feel.  Allow the person the opportunity to express how they feel regardless of whether or not they can substantiate it through a timeline of facts and details.  Remember, feelings are very real.  They are based on some prior action or event so even if you forget the incident you will certainly remember the feelings it generated.  Couples need to recognize that fact and once they do it will become much easier removing that sand from their shoes. 

And it also helps to wear sandals.