When it comes to photography I like to consider myself an artist but I struggle with something that makes it difficult for me to totally embrace the title of "artist". How does one overcome the crippling insecurity that comes with being an artist? Maybe it's just me. Perhaps being an artist means you've moved beyond the insecurity and you're in complete alignment of your artistic vision and the means to which you express it. I do photography because I love it and it appeals to me as a method to express my "art". But beyond that, the point where someone else views my art and how they might interpret it is what makes me shutter. I'll be honest, I want people to like my photographs. I really do. Without an audience, though, I'm comfortable creating through photography but once someone else views my work and expresses some feeling (good or bad) towards it, I can get racked with anxiety. Admittedly I do just as much to damage to my artistic expression as any critic might. When I sit there in front of my computer, my photos are all loaded into Lightroom ready for me to do a little magic, it's amazing this transformation that occurs. While I'm out there taking pictures I usually feel very much in tune with my surroundings and I can usually feel that connection between the moment that I'm in and my ability to capture that moment. But once I start viewing my photos the self-loathing and photo bashing begins. I can't tell you how many photographs I've summarily deleted without giving them hardly a look because I was so convinced they probably sucked. Certainly not a healthy way to live your life but it's something I've struggle with for as long as I can remember.
I have no illusions that I'll ever produce something so grand as to make the Pope cry and believe it or not this blog entry isn't a desperate attempt to illicit praise. Regardless of what someone my think of my photographs it has no bearing on whether or not I pursue photography as an art form. Hey I'm just opening the kimono into my psyche. I just wonder if I'll ever overcome this crazy insecurity. Maybe I won't. Maybe I should just embrace it because I think this insecurity is what drives me. It pushes me to do better, to try new things, to reach beyond my grasp. Like my old high school football days, the beatings I took from Mike, Frank, Andy and Jim just made me want to go back in there and fight more. My wife and several of my friends are gifted photographers who's work I admire beyond words. I look at their photos and the first thing I think is, "Wow, dude, you SOOOOO suck compared to them." But instead of turning in my camera I feel compelled to study their work and seek new ways to be more expressive rather than just being a "point-n-click" guy.
So I guess I'll continue to embrace the struggle because maybe without it I'll lose the passion for my art and more importantly lose my ability to grow.
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