Alright folks, looks like it's time for a little lesson in gym etiquette. For those of you that do go to the gym I'm sure some of this will sound familiar. I suspect you're either a victim, perpetrator or both regarding the things we experience during our trips to the gym. All I'm looking for is a little common courtesy among all gym rats and those who aspire to be said rats. So let's go...
Smokers - Hey, let me be the first to commend you on making that commitment to better health. Here's hoping that it'll eventually lead you to overcoming that nasty habit. But in the meantime here's a suggestion from the rest of us air breathers, disinfect yourself before going to the gym. Hell, at least don't be smoking as you're walking up to the front door. Nothing like gasping for air after a ball-breaking set only to suck down the permeating stink of a pack of Lucky Strikes emanating from your body. I mean if that's the way we're gonna play it, I'll bypass the deodorant and make sure I've had plenty of refried beans, cauliflower, some prune juice, a beer, a couple sticks of beef jerky and rub a couple of garlic cloves all over me before I go to the gym. Yeah, bitch, I'll take stink to a whole new level.
Effort - Here's a key point to keep in mind. If you're sweating more BEFORE you get to the gym then when you're walking out after "working out", then you aren't working out. Stop bragging to your friends about how much you work out if you're consistently walking out the gym with a heart rate lower than what it was when you entered the gym. If your shirt is try, your breathing calm and your mind clear, then I'd say you just wasted an hour of your life. If sweat is running down your head, arms and chest, if the sound of your heart is pounding in your ears, if you feel a little light-headed then I'd say you rocked the gym!
Not a library - I know a lot of folks like to read magazines or their eReaders when they're working out on cardio machines. That's all good but if your heart rate never increases during the exercise then you're not exercising. Don't take credit for doing something you're not. Go to the library or nearest Starbucks and enjoy your trash mag and leave the sweating to the real gym rats.
Lose the cell phone - The other day I hopped on the treadmill to knock out a few miles. Next to me was a woman who was chatting away on her phone. I noticed her incline was set to zero and her pace was 1.5. "1.5"?! That's barely walking! My father-in-law with his walker moves faster than her. Ok, I get it, she doesn't want to be out of breath while she's chatting to a friend but if that conversation is SOOOOO important, get the frick off the treadmill and let someone else actually work out. Honey, your ass will still be just as fat as it was when you started that conversation. Try losing the phone, bump up the incline to at least "1" and push the speed up to a point where it's hard for you to talk. THAT'S working out. Do that three times a week and you'll be wearing baggy jeans in no time.
Squatters - Nothing infuriates me more than to have to wait on someone to finish an exercise. If you're not working out, get off the machine. If you're in between sets, get off the machine. Listen, I don't give a shit whether you have one or 10 more sets to go, move off and let someone work in with you. I typically have timed sets so I need to get on and off as quickly as possible. Now for you, Conan, I'm sure you need ALL that rest in between sets but I don't. For the love of God, how can you take 30 seconds to do one set but take five minutes to recover? It's not like you're power lifting anything. And by the way, at what point in your routine does sweat actually start to appear? When you're masturbating in the shower?
Hours of operation - I propose a moratorium. No gym, even 24 Hour Fitness, should be open between the hours of 4:00 PM and 11:00 PM. Why, because there's already an establishment that provides the same service. It's called a nightclub/bar. I've belonged to several different types of gyms in my life and EVERYONE of them is the same between 4:00 and 11:00. They're meat markets. Over-boobed, under-brained women being followed by over-muscled, over-tatted knuckle-draggers, all standing around chatting up one another, trying desperately to impress. No sweating, no heavy breathing but by God there are a lot of "beautiful people" all jockeying for a spot in front of the mirror.
If you really aren't into gyms, then don't go. It's not doing anything for you and most likely you're only getting in the way of someone who's trying to accomplish something. Hey, gyms aren't for everyone. Find the thing you enjoy and go do it. Walking, swimming, yoga, biking, whatever. Don't let anyone try to convince you the only way to good health is to join a gym. When you find something that feels good to your body AND to your head, you'll come back to it. Think of your favorite games you played as a child. You did them because they were fun and they made you feel good. You weren't necessary all that good at it but it was always something you looked forward to. So experiment with different activities until you find that one that makes you look forward to doing it again tomorrow.
Com 'on now, feel the burn!
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