I had an exceptionally good training session today. And this really didn't have anything to do with the workout in and of itself. It was really about the days leading up to it and then the execution of the session. You see, it wasn't my typical workout. My physical training (PT) sessions with Natalie are usually 30 minutes long where she shows me the routines and I go through a couple sets of each. It's sort of a practice for the real session I do on my own because she usually has me doing a ton of sets/reps and lately they're all timed. But at the end of this session we also did a run workout together. You may recall that I committed to running the Mt. Evans Ascent with her so we're going to start training some together.
I have to admit, I had quite a lot of angst about this workout over the last several days. Keep in mind, Natalie is exceptionally fit, is a good 21 years younger than me and runs half marathons just cuz. I was really concerned, hell, SCARED, that I wouldn't be able to keep up. You see my real fear, and I shared this with her after the fact, is that there was a certain expectation on me to do this and I was truly afraid I would not measure up. I've mentioned this before in previous blogs and that is the thing we fear most in life is something we've already experienced. For me it's letting someone down. I've experienced it before. The disappointment in their eyes and the tone of "that's ok..." is something I just can't bear. I don't know what it is, or where it came from. I can remember feeling this way as far back as kindergarten.
Over the years this fear has manifested itself as my motivation to accomplish things. I can't necessarily say it's a healthy thing but it's worked for me. I tend to do a lot of things out of fear of failure. Tasks I'm given by my boss get completed not because of the importance of the task but because my boss is depending on it. Someone depends on you to do something you do it. To fail them is to fail yourself. There have been some silly implementations of this practice, such as running one of my fastest marathons ever only because I was needed for something that afternoon and I couldn't be late. It's funny, I was recently told by someone that I exude a high degree of confidence in the way I carry myself. I was shocked to hear that because if they only knew, that deep down inside there's a frightened child that has a deep fear of failure.
I don't really know if there's a conclusion to all of this. Maybe it's just an observation of who I am. But maybe it's an opportunity for you to look at yourself and figure out what really motivates you and try to figure out whether it's hurting or helping you. Sometimes we're our own worse enemy. But on the flip side, we may be our best ally.
So Natalie, keep setting that bar high. I'll just have to scare myself to the top. :-)
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