"The Unlovables..."

This particular blog was inspired by a dear friend of mine and it got me thinking…

What are the “terms and conditions” for loving someone?  Now before I proceed, I’m using the word “love” as a means of expressing some level of compassion, appreciation, respect, and/or affection towards another.  It’s not intended to be all “running through misty meadows, holding hands, in love with you” love.  In simple terms, just think of it as doing something good for another.    

Sitting with a friend in the hospital, helping someone with their luggage or allowing someone to go ahead of us at the checkout counter, they are all expressions of affection that many of us are quick to share with others.  Expressing our love and generosity with those receptive to the gesture is rather easy.  I mean think about it, when was the last time you saw a really person walk out of a Christmas sermon that wouldn’t shake your hand or say “Merry Christmas”?   Loving the lovable feels pretty good and it really doesn’t take a lot of effort.      

Now, what about those who aren’t so receptive?  The ones that bristle at the mere hint of a kind expression.  Or worse, what about those that actually attack you when you do reach out in an expression of love?  What then?  Now keep in mind, these are folks that NEED love in their lives. 

So, for those folks in desperate need of love, how do we “embrace” them without getting figuratively, or worse, literally, slapped in the face?  “Tough love” is the standard answer.  I think we’ve all heard that one before.  It’s usually within the context of dealing with a teenager.  Confrontational, wild mood swings, hurtful language, constant bickering and complaining.  If you’ve ever raised a teenager then you know what I’m talking about.  Many teenagers simply take on the ugly persona of something we scarcely recognize.  Thank goodness that tends to be temporary. 

But what about the other folks?  The sibling, parent or friend or even the stranger that lashes out on you with unprovoked fury.  These folks are incredibly hurtful and they are more than willing to let you experience their rage.  How do we approach such people?  Engaging a hurtful person is much like trying to save someone from drowning.  All lifeguards will tell you that when trying to save a drowning person you have to be careful not to get yourself pulled under by the victim.  That’s very much the same thing when dealing with a hurtful person.   You need to find a way to reach out to them without being pulled under by their anger.   

A piece of advice:  Resist the temptation to engage in emotional combat.  You need to detach yourself from the person they think they’re attacking.  You may need to make hard decisions that affect this person because you know it’s the right thing to do.  And trust me, they will let you know what they think of your actions.  They will accuse you of everything you’re not.  “You don’t care about me!”  “You’re so damn selfish, you’re only thinking about yourself!”  “If you loved me you wouldn’t do this!”  Any of those sound familiar? 

The last thing you need to do is become emotionally charged over the decisions you’ve made in dealing with this person.  First and foremost, acknowledge to yourself that you truly love this person and that every decision you make regarding them comes from a foundation of love.  From there it’s really just a matter of weathering the emotional storm that gets hurled upon you.  Remember, this person is attacking an image of you, a perception of you.  You are that lightening rod for all things that are poisoning this person’s life. 

If you can honestly say that everything you’ve done was out of love for this person, then there’s no reason to feel regret or to second guess your actions.   The venom that comes from their words and deeds, again, is just a manifestation of everything that they feel is wrong in their life and they need to lash out.   You also need to understand that most likely YOU are the only one that’s actually reaching out to them.  YOU are the only one that’s really showing them love.  I guarantee that somewhere down the road this person will acknowledge your efforts and will love and appreciate you more than you could possibly know because YOU were the only one who was there for them when they needed it most.  Maybe not now or next year.  Maybe not in your lifetime or theirs, but some day, all truth will be known. 

Folks, I know it’s hard.  It really is.  But think about this, would you rather be able to say “I tried” or could you live with “I wish I tried”?

Ok, group hug!!

Turn the other cheek...

Ok, I get it now. Hell, after 48 years it finally came to me (while in the shower, of all places). It use to bug me how the minister would rant on and on about "turning the other cheek" when wronged by someone else. The theme here was essentially to take it like a man, don't fight back. Just be a good boy and let things happen as they may. Bull shit! Slap me in the face and the first thing I want to do is punch you, twice as hard. What the hell did I do to you? And, oh, by the way, you'll think twice before you cross me again, you fucker!

But I just realized, for all these years, I've looked at this "turn the other cheek" thing from a purely selfish point of view. It was all about me, how I dealt with being the victim, how I was wronged and the only way to gain some level of salvation or some small amount of vindication was to be the bigger man. I had to just roll with the punches because that's what Jesus did. I would feel better in the long run. Yeah, and I've got a bridge for sale.

I get it now. I finally understand that the victim wasn't me. It was HIM! The guy/gal that was hurting me. They needed or wanted something from me, to gratify themselves, to fill some void that they desperately needed filling. They needed to exact something from me that would fill this hole in them. It would make them complete, better, stronger, happier. And it's funny. Even after they got their pound of flesh, nothing changed. They still attacked me as they did every one else they encounter. As if they couldn't fill that hole. Hmm, interesting...

Now come on, people. You know folks like that. The assholes of our lives that just seem to get under our skin all the time. Don't you think if they found what they needed they would eventually let up? Well obviously they haven't found it yet because they're still pissing you off and you still talk badly about them to your friends and family. Imagine a life where all you did was piss people off? What a sad, pathetic, lonely life you must have if all you could do is take from someone else. And when I say "take" I don't mean steal, like a car or some other physical possession. We take people's time, attention, emotions, feelings, beliefs, direction, perceptions... all the things that make up who we are. When we whine to someone about something, complain about another person, berate someone in a meeting, take credit for something we didn't do, or put ourselves above someone else just to receive some level of recognition from another, we become that asshole that everyone else talks about.

Christ, or whoever you believe in, wasn't saying, "take it like a man". What He was saying was the more you fight someone over what they try to take from you, the more you validate his wanting to take from you. When you put up a fight you let that aggressor know that, yes, there's some value to be gained from attacking me. Yes, I know all you history majors are saying, "Hey, Neville Chamberlain, that didn't work with Hitler". Certainly the health and welfare of our loved ones must be protected. But think of all the things you go to war over every single day. The guy that took your parking spot. The person in line at Starbucks that can't decide what to order. Your boss who has no clue about what you do or how well you do it. We piss and moan and argue over all these things. Really, were those things all that important?

The person that attacks you is a lost soul. If they truly understood their relationship to you, to earth, to God, they'd realized this fighting is absurd. Fighting over these things is like fighting with yourself. Each and all of us is a unique and wonderful expression of a collective whole that makes up this world we live in. Those that "oppose" us are just an alternative expression of us. No right or wrong, just different, unique, special. When you find out who you really are, and I mean REALLY are, the issues, or battles, become meaningless.

Turning the other cheek means giving that other person an opportunity to discover that what they are fighting for has no meaning and contains no reward. Each time you turn that cheek you give them another opportunity to realize how futile their efforts are and you lead them on the path of self-discovery. By doing that we all become the victors.