Day 22: Anticipation...

I SUCK at waiting.  If you want to make me go insane, make me wait.  Yeah, I'm impatient at times.  Traffic lights, checkout counters.  Not a big fan of either.  But having to wait for something to start is like a slow, agonizing death to me.  I'm sitting here, waiting for the Niners game to start and I still have two hours before game time.  My stomach is in knots and I feel like a caged animal.  Thank God we're updating the guest bathroom.  It's a pleasant distraction, even with the fumes and mess.

Back in my youth I hated, yes, HATED the time leading up to a football game or track meet.  The longer the wait, the more intense my nerves became.  During my years running marathons and triathlons, my nerves usually went into overdrive days leading up to the event.  Sleep and appetite were non-existent.  On race day you could easily see me visit the porta-potty at least four or five times before the gun went off.  At school or work I hated going last.  When it was time to present, I HAD to go first, otherwise I was tormented by all the worry and second-guessing.

I'm not about to justify why I feel this way.  When it comes to my favorite sports teams I'm sure the behavior borders on the obsessive.  Yeah, I get it, I'm not personally vested in the outcome of those games but I've got to believe genetics plays a role in my behavior.   Meditation, incense, playing the Ambient station on Pandora just doesn't seem to make a dent.  Best thing for all is to just leave me alone, let me focus and beware of the occasional outburst of "colorful metaphors" .

Come on!  Let's go!!  Tic toc, tic toc!

Day 21: Toy Store...

So many toys, so few dollars.  For me walking into Home Depot is like a recovering alcoholic walking into a liquor store.  Crazy temptations.  I can walk in there only needing some light bulbs and batteries and walk out with enough stuff to renovate a four bedroom house.

I would like to think I'm pretty handy at house repairs.  If the amount of blood spilled is any indication of my skills, I'll have my own home improvement show in no time.  I think I'll call it "This Old Wound".  Every scar will represent a story of some repair that took a fair amount of blood, some sweat and swears (not tears).  I think I'll continue to be delusional about my abilities to fix things.  I guess as long as the home improvement shows continue to imply that it only takes 30 seconds to hang a door I'll keep donating my A Negative syrup to the results of all my household projects.

Day 20: Perspectives...

Don't worry.  Nothing heavy today.  We were just out and about in Boulder and I decided to bring my camera along to hopefully capture something interesting.  Always love buildings and architecture.  And all those bicycles crammed together looked kinda interesting as well.  Instead of your typical point and shoot, I was hoping I might catch a different and hopefully interesting angle.  Just reminds me that I should do the same in other aspects of my life....

Day 19: Recess!

Man, I can remember the thrill of recess like it was yesterday.  It was like being a prisoner in solitary, getting his 15 minutes on the recreation grounds.  Recess was play time.  Time to burn off all that pent up frustration and angst over the latest school assignment.  Nothing like taking out a bad grade in math on the hallowed dodge ball playing fields.  I cherished every moment of recess and I dragged out every possible second until the warden came screaming for me to return to my cell, I mean class.

You know it never occurred to me when I was graduating from elementary school that I would never enjoy the excitement of recess again in my life.  Why don't we have recess in our adult lives?  Well, I guess I sorta kinda do.  My lunch breaks are usually spent in the gym or on a running trail.  It's not quite dodge ball but it is a way to burn off steam.  But unfortunately, at my age, it's becoming more of a necessity, for health reasons, rather being a time for fun.

The only time I ever see that level of excitement is when I take my Sophie to the dog park or day care.  She goes nuts in the car whenever I get close to either location.  It's such a trip to see her run around with her four-legged friends, chasing and wrestling.  I'm pretty envious of her at times.  Imagine if we could go to a park, as adults, and just start playing with other adults.  Throwing a ball, playing tag or starting up a game of kickball.  How is it as adults we lost that kind of fun in our lives?  Makes you wonder, if you could be a dog for a day, how fun that could be.  Well, save for the habit of sniffing butts, it would be nice to treat life with total abandon and have REAL fun for once.

Day 18: Gratification

If I were a bettin' man I'd say the vast majority of people in this country, heck, in the world, experience little to no gratification in their lives.  And the primary reason is that most folks have no clue what gratification really means.  Now I'll bet at this very moment you're probably thinking of a few examples of being "gratified", such as eating till you're full or buying that car you always wanted.  But we all know those little accomplishments are only temporary.  We'll be back in the kitchen for more food and in a few years we'll be looking for a new set of wheels.

What I just described above is not gratification but rather temporary satisfaction.  The difference between the two is that one leaves you wanting more, the other leaves you feeling complete.  It's my personal belief that as individuals, as a community, as a country we are not gratified.  Think about that for a moment.  We are a country of people always wanting more.  We live beyond our means because we have a superficial need that must be met.  We want the latest and greatest toys and fashions.  Our corporations have a need to acquire more, to be bigger, richer, and usually at the expense of others.  Enron, Fannie Mae, AIG... do any of those ring a bell?  And why is that?  There's a hole in our collective selves that can't be filled. 

The Rolling Stones immortalized this plight with their song "...I can't get no satisfaction!"  Being satisfied, being satiated, is only temporary.  You'll always be coming back for more.  Gratification is when YOU feel truly good about yourself.  It has nothing to do with anyone else.  To sit alone and feel good about you.  Feeling that you've achieved a better version of your perfect self.  The person you want to be.  The person YOU know resides within you.  Think about it.  When was the last time you felt good about yourself after belittling someone?  When was the last time you felt good about yourself when you ate or drank to excess?   Probably never.  But think about how you felt when you helped someone without recognition or reward.  Think about how you felt when you accomplished something that was beyond your perceived capabilities.  Huge difference there.

In the work place, at least in my work place, there are so few opportunities to achieve gratification.  You never feel that you've competed anything and so few things you do have any apparent value.  For me gratification comes in my personal life.  There are things I set out to achieve, not for recognition, but to fill a void that I know dwells within me.  It's an opportunity for me to be someone better.  Once I've achieved those things, I feel gratified and am freely able to move on to the next thing in my life.  I've discovered that the more I pursue gratification, the less I try to satisfy impulsive desires.

Here are just a few of the "empty calories" in life we tend to indulge:

1. We gossip or complain about others.
2. We feel the need to always be right.
3. We expect others to like us.
4. We worry about what others think.
5. We worry about our appearance.
6. We spend a lot (clothing, shoes, gadgets, cars, etc).
7. We seek praise.
8. Excessive eating or drinking.

What holes are you trying to fill?  What is missing in you that compels you to indulge?  As opportunities pour into you, is your life a colander or a cup?

Day 17: "Mannish Boy..."

Another of my new year commitments is to get back to playing the harp.  LOVE the Blues harp.  Nothing like it in the world.  Hard to believe there was a time in my life you couldn't pay me to listen to the Blues.  What was I thinking?  I remember when it finally hit me, though.  Sitting in a dive bar in New Orleans listening to an old Jazz Blues band.   One of the guys was just wailin' away on the harp.  I was hooked immediately.  Within a week I found a how-to book, a cheap harp and got started on learning how to play this wonderful instrument.

I have no illusions that I'll ever play the harp as well as my heroes Junior Wells, Little Walter or Howlin' Wolf.  I play purely for the fun of it.  I've actually played on stage a couple of times but that courage has long since gone.  Let me qualify that by saying it was "liquid" courage that got me on stage.  Heck, I don't really like playing in front of my family.  For now my venues are my car and hotel room.  Who knows, maybe some day I'll find a quiet, little spot on Pearl Street in Boulder, with an upturned cap, playing for tips.  We'll see if I can get my mojo workin'. 

Day 16: Shape up!

My trainer got on me the other day for not attending to my diet as much as I do my workout routines.  Nag, nag, nag!!  Don't tell her I said that.  Any way, I did as I was told and picked up a few things to supplement my diet and try to keep things more on the healthy side.  Now don't get me wrong, I'll never give up my love affair with carbs but I can certainly use a bit more fruits and proteins in my diet.  My issue with healthy diets is that they tend to be a lot of work.  All this prepping just to put together a healthy snack.  It's no wonder folks just grab the box of Chees-its rather than slice up fruit.  But I'll try my best.  Smoothies are great and don't take a lot of effort.  Oh, just FYI, don't ever blend an unripened banana in a smoothie.  Talk about bitter!