Day 366: It...is...finished!

This day has finally come.  This blog which has consumed me for the past year has now come to an end.  It has been 366 days, thanks to it being a leap year, and it's been quite a journey.  In many respects this blog has been like running a marathon.  At times I cursed it and often I struggled to be creative and interesting all the while thinking why the hell did I allow myself to be talked into this.  But as I come to the finish line of this endeavor I have to be honest in that I come to it with a great sense of gratification, relief and also a fair amount of sorrow.  I learned a hard lesson many years ago when I trained for and completed my first marathon.  Within days of completing that event I went through a pretty severe bout of depression mostly because everything that made up my life up to that point had come to an end.  Similarly just as much as I wanted to finish this blog it saddens me to know a big part of my life is now done. 

The intentions of this blog were originally to post new photographs each day but as time wore on these posts began to include more and more commentary.  Events of the days slowly began to creep into my posts to where it wasn't just photos but also musing and rants.  There were plenty of times I struggled to create.  I can't tell you how many days I would sit there thinking "Oh my God, I have NO frickin' idea what to blog about today" but every time something always came up.  For those of you that have followed this blog you'll agree that not every entry was an awe-inspiring moment.  In many respects this blog has been like the Seinfeld show, a show about nothing.  I know at times I probably shared more than I should have and there were times I tempered some things because I was concerned about audience reaction but I do feel that I've been truthful and honest.  If nothing else I just hoped that folks might walk away from reading this blog and think here's a guy who's lived through much of the same crap I did.  I know in our disappointments and despair we can feel alone and I just hope that my sharing of my dirty laundry was a way of letting you know you're not alone and there is some comfort in shared misery.

I will admit my ego got the better part of me at times.  Trying to be overly creative in my photos or excessively profound in my rants only to realize I could be quite a tool at times.  I've received many gracious compliments on my posts but I have to say I got so much more from you, the readers, than I feel I ever gave you.  So many of you have been wonderful inspirations to me.  So many great photographers, artists, and just plain wonderful human beings.  During some of my difficult times this year I was renewed and strengthened by your positive outlook on life and no matter how dark my days had been you always managed to brighten my life with compassion and hope.

This blog, this experience, has been a tremendous blessing for me.  Through many of you I learned a lot about myself and the world I live in.  In many respects I think I've finished this year a better person than when I started and that's all because of you guys.  I'm honored that you've read my blog and I'm humbled by the compliments you've given me throughout the year.  It's kinda weird to think this has only been one year of my life but I think capturing these daily events has helped me to realize that we all have exceptional lives, that blessings come to us in so many subtle forms and if we really took time to examine who we are we would be pleased with what we found.

Jen, thank you for kick starting this for me although I'll admit there were times I grumbled your name.  Jane, you've been my biggest fan and have encouraged me all along the way and I love you dearly for being a big part of my family.   And my Julie, not only are you the love of my life but you truly are my inspiration.  Your passion for life and your unconditional love for so many is something I aspire to emulate.

No matter how hard I tried, no words nor photos have ever been able to capture the depth and perfection of any given moment in time.  It's only through participation in these experiences that the moment will become a lasting memory.  And if this year and this blog has proven anything to me it's that there really are no ordinary moments, no ordinary days.  This has been a year of milestones and firsts.  I turned the big 5.0., I got my first tattoo, I ran the Mt. Evans Ascent and I climbed Longs Peak.  I rekindled old friendships and made new ones.  I feel I've grown in my art through the inspiration of other more gifted photographers and I've discovered a new depth to the significance of relationships with my family and friends. 

I hope you've enjoyed this blog as much as I've enjoyed sharing it with you.  I hope that I've been able to make you laugh, to think and most importantly, feel.  If I've done that in any way then I'll consider this journey a success. Perhaps some of you may have gleaned a little inspiration from these posts or maybe this has all been nothing more than the ravings of a middle aged suburban madman.  Regardless of the outcome it truly has been a journey and I thank you all for sharing it with me.

Happiest of New Years to you.  May God's blessings be showered upon you and yours and may good fortune be yours this day and all days.  Cheers to 2012 and here's hoping I see you on the other side.

This is John signing off.....

Day 365: Happy Anniversary...

Yes, it's an anniversary of sorts.  Nine years ago today my wife Julie "winked" at me.  "Huh??"

For those of you who don't know, my wife and I met on the internet.  Yeah, took me a few years to openly admit that.  Even though I'm finding it a bit more common I think the practice of finding your soul mate online bordered a bit on the pathetic and desperate and brought on images of the creepy, lonely guy sitting in his dark, ratty apartment preying on unsuspecting kids.  You've heard the stories, mail order Russian brides or "To Catch a Predator".  I guess now there are dozens of online matchmaking sites but the two big ones back then were eHarmony and Match.com.  I tried eHarmony but it was too much of a "trust me, we'll find the right one for you" and more often than not you'd be matched up with someone SOOOOO not compatible with you thus leading to the awkward attempts to disengage yourself without coming off as insensitive or hurtful.  But Match.com was a nice little system.  I managed to meet several nice people and my overall experience was rather positive.

So back in time to December 30th, 2003.  There I was living alone in my apartment (not dark or creepy), the year winding down and very few prospects for the coming year.  The day before, on the 29th, I perused the various online profiles.  It was kinda like trying to select someone for your fantasy football league.  There were some of the old standbys, those that hadn't found anyone yet so their profiles were constantly popping up.  I remember doing some quick searches and coming across Julie's profile.  Of course being a guy the first thing I noticed was how gorgeous this woman is.  Did a quick once over of her playing stats and thought wow, she's an amazing woman.  But having the confidence and self-esteem of a Leonard Hofstadter (see Big Bang Theory) I quickly dismissed her with a "she'd never be interested in me."  So it was nine years ago today that I got a message that said, "The following people are interested in you" or as they would say they "winked" at you.  Just so you know winking is today's "Poke" in Facebook.  Anyways, would you believe it?  My Julie was one of those winkers.  To say I was dumbfounded would be a major understatement.  Lacking any real common sense I just winked back, thinking that anything beyond that might come off as excessive or just plain needy.  I did come to find out later that right off the bat I kinda pissed her off.  See, Julie had just canceled her subscription to Match.com, having had very little success.  Just goes to prove that most men are colossal tools, especially those from the OC.  In order for her to respond to my "wink" she had to go back in and sign up for an additional month just so she could send me a message essentially saying, "Hey, A-hole, here's my number, CALL!"

So we dated, virtually, for over two weeks before finally meeting in person.  For one reason or another it didn't seem to work out for us to meet but we did talk every night from any where to an hour and a half to three hours about any and all things.  I think that sold me more than anything else, that we connected so well on so many things without the distraction of being together physically.  I'll leave that to your imagination, no details here.  And call me a sentimental old fool but I still have copies of a few of our first emails to each other.  Again, I think of all the gifts I've received in my life, the birth of my Sam and finding my Julie are the two most wonderful gifts of all.  But I still think Julie lost a bet.

I don't expect a lot of folks to relate to this story.  I figure most of you met your significant other either through high school, college, a class reunion or perhaps rehab.  But hopefully this might make you think back on the time when you and your mate first met and the magic you felt and hopefully you still carry that magic in your heart now.  You know any day you can spend with your love is a great day.

Happy anniversary, honey!  I love you THHHHHHHIIIIISSSSSSS much!

Day 364: To be a "Mad Men"

So it was another early morning as my wife headed out to work at 0'dark 30.  As is my custom I flipped on the TV to catch the local news only to find that the normal morning news show was pre-empted by "Does Your Bra Fit?"  Forget it, guys, it wasn't what you might think.  A collection of whiny and overly excited women talking about the inadequacies of their over-the-shoulder-bolder-holders.  Yeah, I can still channel my inner 7th grader.

It got me thinking, though.  They sure don't have infomercials similar to that for men.  But hey why not?  They could make one called "Why Can't I Pee?" It'll be about enlarged prostates and how discomforting it can be not being able to drain the old bladder.  Now because us men have zero patience and the attention span of a gnat, it'll have to be some uber-strength medicinal treatment that will allow a guy to pee almost immediately.  And of course it'll have to be presented in some competitive format, maybe something like this...

"Tom and Phil both have prostates the size of soft balls and peeing for them is a near impossibility without the help of Mr. Catheter.  Now for the past four hours we've been plying both men with pints of beer so they should be ready to burst at any moment.  We've given Tom the Mega-Hose prostate reducing pill while Phil has only had beer and an excessive amount of buffalo wings.  Now look at that!  Tom is peeing like no one's business.  He's actually cracked the porcelain urinal and he's not finished!  We just set a chemical fire
on the other side of studio and he's put it out with just a quick blast of his man hose.  

Now let's check in on Phil.  Poor guy, he's still standing there in what can only be described as severe pain with nary a drop of urine to show for his efforts.  Profusely sweating, his eyes rolled back in his head and mumbling in some unintelligible language, his teeth are LITERALLY floating.  WOOOOO, look out, he's gonna blow!!!  BOOOOOSHHHHHH!  Wow, good thing we gave ponchos and slickers to our studio audience."

Maybe I could get Gallagher as one of the co-hosts along with Sean Connery.  I'm sure they could use the work.  And because it'll be a guy commercial, I'll need a bunch of Hooters girls as well.  Hey, gotta appeal to the target audience.

So what do you think?  Great idea, huh?  Pour me a drink and call me Mr. Draper.

Day 363: Buddy, have ya got the time?

Time, it's a self-inflicted wound.

It is an arbitrary measure that provides some structure and order to our lives.  Starts and finishes can all be measured by time.  It's a great measuring stick for performance and it helps us to understand our place in human history.  But in many respects time has become the bane of our very existence.  It limits and restricts us.  Now I'm not saying we need to do away with all elements of time.  Hey, if it wasn't for time planes would never leave or arrive.... oh wait, bad example.  Time does matter but it is something we've created and over the millenniums we've allowed it to control us rather than serve us. 

It is kinda cool to watch the Times Square New Years Eve celebration in New York but it is still just some random moment lost in the cosmos.  Even though it's fun to count down as the ball drops or counting down the last few seconds of a game our team is winning, time does create a significant amount anxiety and stress.  Ever run to catch a plane, the Metro or race through town in your car just to make an appointment?  How about trying to meet work deadlines or complete tasks sooner?  We're all slaves to this task master called time.  We talk about lost time, made time, no time, or plenty of time.  Kind of ironic that time is the one thing that keeps us out of the present time.  Regardless of what we're doing now, time will always warn us of what lies ahead which keeps us from completely enjoying the present moment.  "Wow, I'm having so much fun but I need to be somewhere in about an hour."

Somehow we think we can control time by buying into this misnomer of "making time".  There's nothing to make.  Time isn't something that comes in a pouch where you add water and microwave it for two minutes and, BOOM, you've got yourself an extra hour.  Making time really means making priorities.  When we say we don't have time for relationships, goals or ambitions, the inconvenient truth is that we don't want to make those things priorities in our lives.  Diets, marriages, relationships, education, jobs, we fail in all of these things because we don't make priorities out of them.  On the contrary we typically blame it on not having enough time, that we're too busy just trying to satisfy the basics of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.  Hey, whatever.  Excuses are a dime a dozen, even in this economy.

If it really is something important to you than pay attention to it.  Tend to it and nurture it as if it's very existence depends on you, which in fact it actually does.  Take your watch off, turn your clocks around and just be in the moment.  There's no better time than the present.  Some of our best moments occur when we lose track of time.  Playing with our children or grandchildren, a dinner out with friends, snuggling on the couch with our spouses.  There's so much wonder and joy in the present moment.  If there is anything that's important to you then make it important to you right NOW.  

Day 362: An unspectacularly good day...

 It was a "mish mosh" kinda day.  Nothing out of the ordinary and certainly nothing all that profound.  But hey, not every day needs to be an epiphany day.  Some times days are just filled with a whole bunch of nothing-in-particulars but it still leaves you with a good feeling in your heart. Got up on my own this morning, had time to share a cup of joe with my bride and then grabbed all my snow boarding gear and made my way up to Arapahoe Basin.  A VERY uneventful day on the roads, just the way I like it.  No slippin' and slidin' this time.  Just low and slow along the wintery roads in my new snow tires, thank you very much.  Got a chance to show off my mad snow boarding skills to no one in particular.  Met a guy on the lifts who's a part time fireman and part time ski patrol/medic.  And yes, ladies, he's single.  Told him I've got about a dozen resumes of single women who'd be all over that.  I only require a finder's fee.  I will say it was colder than an evil woman's mammaries so it kinda cut into my boarding time but that's ok because it gave me a chance to have a late (2:00 PM) breakfast at my new favorite eating establishment, The Early Bird Restaurant.  Great food and the servers are pretty cute, well except for that one guy.  It is the one place I can shamefully and unabashedly hit on a particular waitress, who just so happens to share my bed.  Yeah, that's right, Johnny's got his mojo workin'!

So this day is just about done and I'll definitely file it under "Good Days".  Probably a good time to wrap this one up any way.  I've got a UFC match going on right now in my office between the Golden Lab and the Shih Tzu and Sophie's getting schooled.  TAP OUT, SOPHIE, TAP OUT!!  

Day 361: "We find the defendant guilty!"

"I can't believe I ate the whole thing."  "You ate it, Ralph."  Remember that commercial?  Overindulgence that led to indigestion.  This time of year our overindulgence's typically lead to guilt.  And as the year winds down and we reflect on the shortcomings of our intentions many of us will suffer those same feelings of guilt over the things we should've done or shouldn't have done.  

It's safe to say many of us ate too much, drank too much, and spent too much during this past month.  And that was just during the holidays.  I'm sure there were plenty of less than stellar things we've done throughout the year that we would've thought better of after the fact but guilting ourselves over yesterday's spilt milk is about as useful an activity as counting the calories of those six cinnamon rolls AFTER we ate them.  There is absolutely NOTHING useful about guilt.  Now don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying you shouldn't feel any remorse for something you've done wrong.  You do need to make amends with those you've wronged even if that person is you.  There are those that like to swim in the deep end of the guilt pool and they're what I like to call the pity party planners.  "Oh I'm sorry.  I'm such a horrible person."  Blah blah blah.  They're the ones that rant over and over about how bad they feel over something but do little to correct the situation, or more importantly, themselves.

Now for the obsessive compulsives guilt can be a bit of a motivator.  Just ask any serious runner.  One time I actually made myself run one mile for every bread stick I had at the Olive Garden.  That was a long 18 mile run.  But the difference here is accountability.  We tend to confuse the two.  Guilt is a great inhibitor.  It drains you of your self-esteem, it convinces you that you're a worthless person and pretty much keeps you locked in your tracks.  Accountability, on the other hand, is an acknowledgement that we need to atone for the shortcomings in our behaviors.  It's a starting point for action.  Energies are focused on righting the wrong rather than bemoaning the error.  I can't say whether it's a healthy practice or not but I like to keep my little guilt nuggets just as a reminder that I always have opportunities to better myself and to use them to establish boundaries to my behaviors.

So as we look back over yesterday's festivities don't waste a lot of time feeling guilty over it.  Just acknowledge that they happened and that from here on out you have a plan to right your ship.  We may have plowed through several helpings of that prime rib, mashed potatoes, a couple bottles of wine and Lord knows how many slices of pie but instead of wallowing in guilt make a choice to do something better for yourself.   Perhaps you can restart your exercise program or go for more walks.  Hey, when you're out and about running errands consider parking at the far end of the parking lot.  The key here is just make an effort, no matter how small.  Remember guilt is what tells us we suck and the truth is you ARE a very special, unique and amazing person.  God would create nothing less.

Day 360: Gifts...

I'll admit even as a child it always struck me as odd that we would celebrate a holiday by giving gifts to one another.  Don't get me wrong, I wanted all those wonderful toys I got as a child and usually had a pretty lengthy wish list but it just seemed weird that we would just go out and buy each other random things as a symbol of our faith.  I know Christmas is more than just gift buying but in my simple mind, which hasn't changed much over the years, it just seems like it kinda got twisted into a celebration of wants.

I tell ya right now I totally suck at gift buying and this whole season creates more pressure and anxiety for me, trying to figure out what to get someone.  There was a post not long ago on Facebook that said something along the lines of "as I get older the gifts that matter most to me don't cost anything."  I'm sure I butchered the saying but hopefully you caught the meaning. I realize now, more than ever, that no purchased gift would ever come close to the things that matter most to me which is life itself.  Like a Master Card commercial, "A Canon 5D Mark III, $3,500.  The gift of life, priceless."  I don't just mean the gift of being alive.  I mean the gift of my very own existence and everything that defines my life, no matter how big or small.  My family and friends.  My vocation and hobbies.  My dreams, ambitions, tastes, interests and experiences.  The list goes on and on.  I couldn't put a price tag on all the things that have forged the path of my life.  Every person I've encountered and every experience along the way has created the man I am today.

So the question for me has been, if all these people and all these experiences have created this gift of life that I'm experiencing, am I such a gift in anyone else's life?   And if not, why not?  It's nice to buy that special gift for someone, spend the money on some really cool toy or gadget.  But have I been more than that?  The real gift is not the tangible object we give but actually BEING the gift.  How you live and love and how you engage the world around you is the real, true gift.  I am truly blessed with so many wonderful people in my life and so many wonderful and extraordinary experiences.  I know some of you may read this and feel that it doesn't apply to you, that you have nothing to offer anyone.  It may just be a story but the point is true...The little drummer boy had nothing to offer but a song in his heart and that was truly priceless compared to all the riches bestowed upon the baby Jesus by the three wise men.  Gold gets spent, frankincense gets consumed, toys break, clothes wear out, technology gets antiquated, but the impact we have on each other is truly priceless.  I couldn't begin to put a value on what my friends, family and even casual acquaintances are to me.  Like George Bailey, he may have been broke but what he meant to those around him goes beyond words.  There are a lot of George Bailey's in my life.  I can only hope that I could be half as much to others.

So as we exchange gifts this Christmas day, tearing into that new camera equipment or gaming console or that jacket we've always wanted, remember that the real gift is YOU and the greatest gift we can give one another is each other.

Merry Christmas and God's blessings upon you and yours this day and always...