"The Unlovables..."

This particular blog was inspired by a dear friend of mine and it got me thinking…

What are the “terms and conditions” for loving someone?  Now before I proceed, I’m using the word “love” as a means of expressing some level of compassion, appreciation, respect, and/or affection towards another.  It’s not intended to be all “running through misty meadows, holding hands, in love with you” love.  In simple terms, just think of it as doing something good for another.    

Sitting with a friend in the hospital, helping someone with their luggage or allowing someone to go ahead of us at the checkout counter, they are all expressions of affection that many of us are quick to share with others.  Expressing our love and generosity with those receptive to the gesture is rather easy.  I mean think about it, when was the last time you saw a really person walk out of a Christmas sermon that wouldn’t shake your hand or say “Merry Christmas”?   Loving the lovable feels pretty good and it really doesn’t take a lot of effort.      

Now, what about those who aren’t so receptive?  The ones that bristle at the mere hint of a kind expression.  Or worse, what about those that actually attack you when you do reach out in an expression of love?  What then?  Now keep in mind, these are folks that NEED love in their lives. 

So, for those folks in desperate need of love, how do we “embrace” them without getting figuratively, or worse, literally, slapped in the face?  “Tough love” is the standard answer.  I think we’ve all heard that one before.  It’s usually within the context of dealing with a teenager.  Confrontational, wild mood swings, hurtful language, constant bickering and complaining.  If you’ve ever raised a teenager then you know what I’m talking about.  Many teenagers simply take on the ugly persona of something we scarcely recognize.  Thank goodness that tends to be temporary. 

But what about the other folks?  The sibling, parent or friend or even the stranger that lashes out on you with unprovoked fury.  These folks are incredibly hurtful and they are more than willing to let you experience their rage.  How do we approach such people?  Engaging a hurtful person is much like trying to save someone from drowning.  All lifeguards will tell you that when trying to save a drowning person you have to be careful not to get yourself pulled under by the victim.  That’s very much the same thing when dealing with a hurtful person.   You need to find a way to reach out to them without being pulled under by their anger.   

A piece of advice:  Resist the temptation to engage in emotional combat.  You need to detach yourself from the person they think they’re attacking.  You may need to make hard decisions that affect this person because you know it’s the right thing to do.  And trust me, they will let you know what they think of your actions.  They will accuse you of everything you’re not.  “You don’t care about me!”  “You’re so damn selfish, you’re only thinking about yourself!”  “If you loved me you wouldn’t do this!”  Any of those sound familiar? 

The last thing you need to do is become emotionally charged over the decisions you’ve made in dealing with this person.  First and foremost, acknowledge to yourself that you truly love this person and that every decision you make regarding them comes from a foundation of love.  From there it’s really just a matter of weathering the emotional storm that gets hurled upon you.  Remember, this person is attacking an image of you, a perception of you.  You are that lightening rod for all things that are poisoning this person’s life. 

If you can honestly say that everything you’ve done was out of love for this person, then there’s no reason to feel regret or to second guess your actions.   The venom that comes from their words and deeds, again, is just a manifestation of everything that they feel is wrong in their life and they need to lash out.   You also need to understand that most likely YOU are the only one that’s actually reaching out to them.  YOU are the only one that’s really showing them love.  I guarantee that somewhere down the road this person will acknowledge your efforts and will love and appreciate you more than you could possibly know because YOU were the only one who was there for them when they needed it most.  Maybe not now or next year.  Maybe not in your lifetime or theirs, but some day, all truth will be known. 

Folks, I know it’s hard.  It really is.  But think about this, would you rather be able to say “I tried” or could you live with “I wish I tried”?

Ok, group hug!!

"Circle the Wagons..."

You know I was never much of a fan of the old western movies.  I guess even back then I had issues with Indians being portrayed as the bad guys when they were the ones being run off their own land.  But politics aside, there is one thing that resonated with me from these movies, especially as I got older.  It seemed most movies always had a scene where a caravan of settlers would get ambushed by the locals and in response they would quickly circle their wagons to provide protection as they fought off the assault.   As I grew up, “circling the wagons” became a metaphor for how I dealt with life’s hardships. 

When you think about it, our lives become a collection of details.  I would argue that we build that pile of details to such a point to where we start to lose our identity.   Now I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, John, I think I know my own name.”  That’s not what I mean.  We spend our lives collecting labels and things to create an image of who we think we are.  Father, Mother, friend, co-worker, chairman, student, program manager, Den Mother, executive, marathoner, photographer, Book Club President, Sales Rep, Club President, etc.  We collect cars, clothes, homes, money, pets, trinkets, etc.  It’s a never ending list of things we are, things we have.  And over time we apply so much importance to them that they become a vital part of our own existence. 

Now I’m not saying that doing any of this is necessarily a bad thing but when it starts to cloud our perception of ourselves then we’ve got a problem.  I can tell you that each and every one of us has had moments in our lives where we’ve been “attacked” across many of these details of our lives, to where we’ve felt surrounded and helpless.  Perhaps our position at work has become tenuous, or maybe we’re struggling with finances.  That expensive car is in the shop or we can’t afford that luxury vacation we planned.  Whatever it might be, the point is we become fearful when the things we have in life are in jeopardy of being lost. 

Moments like these I say, “Circle the wagons!”  Bring in close those things that truly are important to you and keep them near and dear to your heart and let those other “details” fall where they may.  Beyond the love of family and friends, what more do we really need?  Sure, a source of income to sustain our lives is pretty important but that’s a relatively easy thing to do when we decide to simplify our lives and remove some of the details that compel us to want more and to live beyond our means. 

Simplifying our lives by surrounding ourselves with people and things that bring real joy is what should matter most to us.  So forget the expensive trip.  Stay home and play Scrabble with some close friends.  Take your kid out for ice cream and listen to them ramble on about their day instead of giving them money to get out of your hair.  Skip a day of marathon training and take a drive with your spouse to an unexplored part of town.  Clubs will get along just fine without you.  Work will be there for you.  Life will always continue.

So the next time you feel ambushed, just tell yourself, “Circle the wagons”.  And hopefully that will be your cue to pull close to you all that brings joy to your life…

Just take it in....

I thank God for the moments when He tells me to just shut up, stop worrying and just gaze upon the beauty He's created.  Moments like this I think "what lottery did I just win?"

"Be still..."

... and know that I am God".

For those that know me I'm not prone to quoting scripture but this one is my favorite and speaks to me like no other.  I actually had to Google it to find the reference (Psalm 46:10).  Every day we all face some storm, some hardship, some obstacle that produces a level of anxiety, fear or panic that in some cases seems almost insurmountable.  How often do we scramble to find the answer, the riddle to our problems?  We look for some complex set of instructions that will solve our issues related to love, friendship, family, money or whatever. We try desperately to figure out what we must do to solve our problems. We're usually never short on advice.  So many folks are quick to tell you what you must to and how to do it.  Even that can become somewhat maddening and will most certainly add to your despair. 

But you know what I love about this Psalm?  It's so simple yet so incredibly powerful!   It's the trump card for every crapping thing that happens to us.  No magic prayers, no special deeds... just one simple thing... "be still".  Just be still and know that God is with you.  A simple act of faith.  Again, no posturing, no "thine-ing" or "thus-ing", no running off to perform unselfish deeds in order to earn one back (unselfish?).  Just...Be...Still....

So when that next storm comes and we fear for ourselves or those close to us, perhaps we could first pause for a moment, be still, and reflect on the fact that God is with us and through Him ALL things are possible.  Allow that reality to sink in first and then go about the business of healing.

And don't forget your umbrella....

What is my path?

...where am I to go?

...what will I find?

...who will I meet?

...when will I get there?

...how will I know?

Dear Lord, regardless of the answers, please let me enjoy the journey...

Inspiration versus Motivation...

I once recall, many years ago, watching Julie Moss crawl across the finish line at the Ironman Triathlon in Hawaii.  It was an awe-inspiring moment for me.  Here was a person who's body had failed her but her will to continue, to endure and to ultimately finish one of the most grueling races in the world was compelling.  (Julie who?..Just Google it..). 

I remember trying to get my mind around how someone could swim almost two and a half miles, bike 112 miles and then run a marathon of 26.2 miles, all in one day.  It seemed unbelievable and a bit insane.  But even more compelling was how this woman, after all those grueling miles in the hot Hawaiian sun, could push herself, on hands and knees, across the finish line.  For her, quitting was not an option.  How did she get there?  Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually.... how did she manage to bring herself to a point where she could overcome ALL of those obstacles in order to complete that race?  Whatever the reasons, I can say with great conviction that I was truly inspired that day.  Could I ever do such a thing?  Is it within me to take on and complete such a challenge?  Do I even have an ounce of the intestinal fortitude to have that kind of commitment to do ANY THING? 

So, yes, that was a moment of inspiration for me.  But what is inspiration?  And for that matter, what's motivation?  We hear those words interchangeably, but I'm here to tell you they have very different meanings.  I would bet that most of us have experienced inspirational moments far more times than ever being motivated.  And the simple reason for that is inspiration is something we experience.  Motivation is something we create.  

Inspiration brings about an idea, an awareness of who you might be.  We can be inspired to get in shape, to seek further education, to be a better parent, a better friend, a more compassionate person.  I see inspiration as that light bulb that pops off in our heads and hearts, an epiphany of a new fork in the road of life that points us down a path of greater personal achievement.  Let me be more specific, greater "potential" for personal achievement. Inspiration by itself won't get you to where you want to be.  It really is only an awareness that there's a new path before you.  It's a catalyst for action.  In the case of Julie Moss, I was inspired to look at my own perceived physical and mental limitations and make a decision on how I would go about determining my boundaries.  I thought it would be cool to get into running and triathlons and to see how far I could go in those respective sports.  That's all well and good when you're lounging about, fantasizing about great achievement.  But once you've made that commitment to yourself to pursue that goal, what gets you to actually do it?  In the case of becoming a marathon runner, what is it that would get me out of bed at 4:00 in the morning to go pound the pavement?  It certainly wasn't inspiration.  So how do I get there from here?

Motivation!

Motivation is the workhorse.  It's the time card puncher.  It's the roll up your sleeves, get busy, make it happen part of ourselves that takes us from where we are to where we want to be.  Julie Moss inspired me to do triathlons.  I motivated me to get out of bed at 4:00 in the morning to swim, bike and run.  Your retired neighbor who went back to school to earn their degree may have inspired you to do likewise.  But it's your own personal motivation, your burning desire and commitment to that goal that gets you to visit that campus and register for class.  But beware, motivation is not easy.  In fact it's damn hard.  Achieving and sustaining motivation can be like riding a bike, up hill, in the wind.  Motivation is the thing you need to find to combat the demons in your head.  The ones that try to convince you to stop and give up on your goals.  Those are the voices that tell you you're not good enough, that you can take it easy on the next lap, that you don't need to study that much.  They're small voices and they try to get you to give up on the seemingly little things in hopes that over time you'll just give up completely.  Call it the devil, call it what you will but what ever it is, it's trying to get you to fail.  Motivation gets you through that.  Reminding yourself why you're doing what you're doing, what it means to you to actually accomplish what you set out to do, that's motivation and that's where your strength lies.  Keep it clear and sharp in your mind, especially during the tough times.  Because the result WILL be your success. 

Remember, inspiration and motivation are not interchangeable.  They are interdependent.  Like Responsibility and Authority (there will be another blog on that one..), you can't have one without the other.  And one can't survive without the other.  And true success depends on the harmony of both...

Unexpected moments...

The other morning I got up pretty early with all the intentions of taking sunrise pictures of the Denver skyline.  I got to a spot along Federal and 82nd and even though it was still a bit early, only a little orange was creeping above the horizon, I could tell that the sky around Denver was hazy and cloudless.  Frustrated (or impatient) that I wasn't going to get the shot I imagined, I decided to bolt over to Marshall Mesa where we've gone hiking several times.  There's a great shot of the Flatirons from that location but just like the Denver skyline, there was a flat sky and a light haze all around the mountains.  Fearing I wasn't going to get anything, I turned my camera east in hopes of getting anything with some color and texture.  Well, luck would have it that a sliver of clouds rose above the horizon, blocking the sun but providing just enough light to illuminate the valley.  I took several exposures and when I got home I stitched them all together to produce what you see here.  I guess "produce" is rather presumptuous considering this was all God's work.  I just happened to be at the right place at the right time.

So as they say, "Life is what happens while you're making plans", so too with photography.  All great intentions will come second to the things life presents to you...